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United States Dept. of Temporal Accountability
Elon Time Translator
Official Bureau of Musk Temporal Standards · Est. 2015 · Backlog: ∞
CASES PROCESSED: 59UNRESOLVED: 26AVG DELAY: 11.7×BUREAU EST.: 2015BACKLOG: Approximately infinite
NOTICE TO ALL CITIZENS: When Elon Musk states a timeframe, the Bureau of Musk Temporal Standards is legally required to provide an official translation. Select a phrase below to receive your certified translation, backed by 59 documented cases spanning over a decade of optimistic projections and 26 cases that remain permanently unresolved. +15 NEW CASES FILED
Form ETB-2015-A
Translation Request
Revision: 47
Last Updated: Never
âš SATIRICAL DOCUMENT
Step 1: Select a Phrase
Choose an Elon time estimate to receive an official translation
Methodology Note: Multipliers calculated from 59 documented instances. "Never Happened" cases assigned conservative 20× multiplier. Actual delay may be infinite. The Bureau accepts no responsibility for emotional distress caused by these findings.
Step 2: Receive Official Translation
Certified by the Bureau of Musk Temporal Standards
Case No. ETB-001-SOON
"Soonâ„¢"
Filed: Mar 19, 2026
Status: ACTIVE
â–¸ Official Translation
~13 months
13.03× the stated timeframe · 391 actual days (avg)
â–¸ Bureau Determination
Approximately 13 months. The Bur▌
4
Cases Filed
50%
Never Happened
13.03×
Delay Factor
▸ Exhibit A — Supporting Evidence
Tesla FSD Subscription·Apr 2021
"FSD subscription next month is a sure thing."
→FSD subscription launched ~5 months later
Neuralink Human Trials·Jul 2020
"Neuralink will be ready for human trials soon"
→First human trial January 2024 (3.5 years later)
X Everything App·Oct 2022
"Buying Twitter is an accelerant to creating X, the everything app"
→X is still primarily a social media app as of 2026
Exhibit B: The Full Spectrum of Disappointment
Average actual delivery time (months) vs. stated timeframe · Capped at 60 months for legibility
CLASSIFIED
Selected phrase Has unresolved cases Resolved (eventually)
The Bureau's main filing room, photographed circa 2020. The "PENDING SINCE 2016" folder in the center contains Tesla Full Self-Driving documentation. It has not moved.
STILL PENDING
The FSD Saga
Tesla Full Self-Driving has been 'almost done' in every year from 2015 to 2026. That's 11 consecutive years of imminent completion.
NEVER HAPPENED
The Robotaxi Fleet
In 2019, Elon promised 1 million robotaxis by 2020. As of 2026, the fleet stands at approximately zero. The Bureau considers this a rounding error.
SEE PREV. ENTRY
The New Roadster
Promised for 2020. Then 2021. Then 2022. Then 2023. The Bureau has stopped updating this entry and simply writes 'see previous entry.'